Topic Tuesday now on - The gift of giving too much

[Snoo]

For me it's the drinking. A family member we (my family) cares for has a huge problem with drinking and has depression. He has time off work this time of year for two weeks, and in that time he sits in front of TV and does nothing but drink. He accuses people of all sorts of things that aren't real, and we are embarrassed to take him out to social events. It becomes a situation where the family is 'lock down' for Christmas, where we need to watch this person to ensure he does not hurt himself (he has self-harmed before when drunk). I dread this time of year because this but I get through knowing that it's only a few weeks until things return to 'normal'... whatever that is.

[Cazzie]

@BeHappy Christmas has always been a stressor for my DH. Not just since he developed PTSD. He gets wound up about what to buy people, what to feed people or what people will be where for the big day.

[Alessandra1992]

Well now @NikNik I am going to quote the following for managing any sense of FOD, "those that matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"

My friends accept and understand my situation so they don't mind, other people are not my friends so I don't worry as they really dont matter..

What matters without doubt is friendship, and good friends ebb and flow with you as life circumstances change..it is pretty ordinary for family to come first, especially when you have either children or aged parents or siblings that you are close to.
For me, many of my friends are family.
Friendship is the special key to mental health!!

My DH believes I am inconsistent but I think that's because I say No a lot...given I was studying fulltime and working..my friends understood! This year might be the year of saying Yes as I won't be studying!!

[Cazzie]

@Alessandra1992 it must be a bloke thing. My DH also believes that I'm inconsistent. I think it's because (a) he has the memory span of a goldfish and (b) he has such huge mood swings.

[coffeegirl]

This time of year I sometimes wish I was a kid again, when Christmas was magical and wondrous

When I was a kid, none of the things that stress me out now, were even on my radar.

I've come to realise over the past few years the main stressors for me are:

- What to buy people. I know it might seem ridiculous - but I REALLY want people to love what i buy them. I've been known in the past to buy something for someone, go back 2 days later and exchange it... and then go back and exchange again (thank goodness for shops like Target who are okay with my indecisiveness)

To manage this, the main thing I try to remember is that people are just appreciative of the thought. And I've never heard of anyone say "I really lost respect for you today because of the Christmas present you got me" so that helps me put it in perspective

- People around me who don't enjoy Christmas as much as I do

LIke I said, as a child, I loved Christmas, so I find it really stressful and disheartening when someone doesn't enjoy their day. I try and try to make it special - but sometimes I feel like it's not 'special' enough. It seems so silly when I read those words! I have come to terms with this and just accept it. I also conciously try and hang out with my friends' children on Christmas day and in the lead up.. they really get into it.

- work

Holidays are great, but I have so much to do before I go on leave. I've not enjoyed some Christmas' because in the back of my mind I've been thinking about work! Now I plan a bit better. I have a list of key things I need to get done, rather than the last min rush.

Oh Christmas.. you are wonderful but somewhat stressful!

[Former-Member]

After 13 months myself & psychologist have finally managed to get thru to hubby & hes agreed to see a psychiatrist but he's wiggled out of doing it before Xmas, he's planning on solitude over the holiday & repeating patterns "I need to get fit", "I need o rest" last Xmas he slept about 20 hours a day for 2 weeks.Talking to a MH professional he may need admitting to stabilise but has no idea that such an option would exist

Any tips for me?

I don't think he'd plan any harm to himself but when hes "flying" he has little insight.

We have an agreement that he'll keep in touch at his pace for te next 3 week & will txt if walking remotely alone which is normal for us.

[CherryBomb]

Both @Cazzie and @Snoo raise some points about the challenges of caring for others during this time of year. While you are both going through very different experiences, it seems that something you share in common is that it's not only do you have to worry about the people you care for but meeting the needs so many others - What presents to get? Who's over for Xmas? What to feed them? How to manage stressors for our loved ones? @Alessandra1992 raised a good point about looking out for ourselves! We can become so focused on giving to others, that we forget about ourselves. This is why it's so important to think about our needs too during this time of year.

@Cazzie, it's great that you got a few things that you can turn to have some downtime. Does your DH have anything to help manage his stress? I can only imagine how things are feeding into each other. I think other peoples' stress can make other people's stressed so it's important that each person has there own way of coping.

@Snoo, you mentioned that your family care for your loved one and will be spending the time in 'lock-down' at home. It sounds like your family has been through this many times before? Planning with your family members may help. Perhaps agree on who can do what and when, to allow you to take some time out to do things that you enjoy over the break. It might also be helpful to develop an emergency plan too. Is that something that you would consider? 

[Cazzie]

I think the most difficult thing for me is that my DH won't try to help himself in this regard. He tells me he needs some "man-tact" (contact with men) but he won't go anywhere - except the pub/club - to find any. I've suggested the Men's Shed, lawn bowls, Lodge, service clubs and a couple of voluntary organisations around our town but to each suggestion I get the same answer "they're all old farts, why would I want to go there". Bad news is he's rapidly becoming, not just an "old fart" but a curmudgeonly old fart at that.
My counsellor gave me the number of a male counsellor that my DH could contact, just to talk out his pain and frustrations between visits to his psychologist. He won't even go so far as to make that call.

I'm sorry, I think I've taken the conversation more than a little off topic.

[Snoo]

Yes cherrybomb. My family and I have been here many times before over the years. We usually get by. We all chip in. I don't live with this family member but my mother does so I go around there to chip in and give my mum a break and keep her company as she can't really go out on Xmas day. Luckily I don't live there so can leave so I can do things I enjoy once i leave. For an emergency plan, my family calls 000 if we think our loved is at risk.

@Former-Member what can you ask that is realistic from your husband to feel ok? I asked myself with my family member. What I came up with was that it unrealistic for me to ask my family member to stop drinking, and stay sober at social events, but I needed to know that they were safe. Hence our family Christmas Xmas is at home. Not the greatest but it's all we could come up with for now!

[Cazzie]

I feel your pain @Snoo. Whilst my DH isn't anti-Christmas and doesn't sit on the couch and drink all day, he does have a real problem with alcohol that tends to be exacerbated by the addition of family members who encourage him to "drink up dad, you're getting left behind".
When I first met him some 30-odd years ago my DH was the happiest drunk on the planet. Now, he's unpredictable and can be mean much more than happy.