Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bee36]

It sure has! Likewise @Chook_ yep I think i definately need a little time to work on the boundaries...i get stuck between enforcing boundaries or thinking i just have to get better and better at dealing with it all...I think when I am really positive and, cool, calm and collected I can deesculate situations, let go of the bad behaviour, or ignore those rabbit holes you mentioned, and be the mediator then things get back to 'normal' so to speak quicker... im recognising patterns i find that things really break down when I cant keep sustaining that, eventually the toxic behaviours and negativity unfortunately wear me down again, as soon as I am unable to be that strong calm person that can keep my mouth closed and the household calm, things intensify and boundaries are over well and truly crossed. It's very cyclical..then i end up really burnt out then an episode happens then it takes me days/weeks to feel myself again. Then I start to feel better and I say yep I can do it and I keep trying and trying to be the peacekeeper, and leave my ego out of situations, then burn out creeps in / tensions build/ major episode/ bang repeat... it just goes around and around. I am just wondering if this is something that you also experience?

[tyme]

When going through therapy, one thing my therapists always mentioned was with BPD, it's about 'strike when the iron is - cold' @Bee36 @Chook_ 

As @Bee36 said, go through with the boundaries. Start small and communicate these boundaries with your partner so they feel empowered to make choices. Providing choice to a borderline is so important.

When I first connected with mental health services, I needed to write up an advanced statement so that doctors and professionals would know how to work with me. One of the things I remember writing was, "Please don't tell me to do anything. Give me choices." And yes, they stuck to that for all those years I was with them.

All the best @Bee36 @Chook_ 

[tyme]

Hey @Bloss , great to see you around 🙂 Welcome!

[Bloss]

@tyme thank you so much. This is my first time 'on' the forum. I have a daughter with BPD and have just been working on what I value and how I protect that with boundaries. It's been very helpful.

[tyme]

Welcome @Bloss . Well done on reaching out. I can say it's not easy caring for someone with BPD. I can't say I've experienced being a carer, but as someone who has lived experience of BPD. I don't think I'd have the energy to have to look after myself as a borderline. 

But one thing that really stood out were the people caring for me who could maintain boundaries. These were people who were strong enough to resist the meltdowns and the tears. Others whose boundaries were a bit murky eventually went off because of burnout. Boundaries will protect you and your daughter. 

From a borderline's perspective, our lives and world is so chaotic. When we have boundaries, we may not show we like it, but it actually helps us keep safe because we know what to expect. Otherwise, even small things were a trigger. If someone said they'd call me at 1pm, and didn't call until 1:30pm, I'd fly into a rage. I'd have thoughts that they were 'getting rid of me' or 'leaving me' or 'ignoring me'.

As I mentioned earlier, talking therapy has made a world of difference for me. BPD is a highly treatable condition. It just needs to right treatment.

Once again, great to see you @Bloss 

Hi @Chook_ @Bee36 !

[Bee36]

I like to read your posts @tyme thank you...i am looking into some sort of talking therapy for my husband, I think he thought going to visit the psych and being put on different medication was all he would need to do 🤦‍♀️, actual therapy is a bit of a sore point to discuss with him atm. It really is a 1 step forward and a few steps backwards kind of process, I will try and utilise the choices you mentioned when bringing this up with him again. Thank you.
Hello@Bloss

[Chook_]

Yeah I know what you mean, even finding the right time to have the “what should I do when you are talking of suicide” discussion is proving to be difficult

[Chook_]

@Bee36 I don’t seem to have the burn out (maybe it’s not yet), my biggest struggle is just how alone I feel in supporting him, no one seems to understand bpd, I am by no means a professional but it’s scary when I seem to know what to do/not to do and the mental health care team (medical professionals) don’t and my partners close friends and family just don’t seem to give a damn about learning and helping.

I’m just determined not to give up.

[Chook_]

Such good advice! CRAZY that a statement like that needs to be done to health professionals.

I have been suggested to work through a 12 week course on bpd Australia’s website, family connections. I am currently looking into it but it sounds like a really good resource to help me support my partner @Bee36

https://www.bpdaustralia.org/about-family-connections/

[tyme]

Hey @Chook_ ! Thanks for sharing!

The support on this thread has been astonishing. Thanks everyone @Chook_ @Bee36 @Bloss 

Hope you are all okay.