Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[BS36]

Hello, I am wondering if someone in this group has experienced being in a relationship with a depressed partner who refuses to try anything to get help and whether someone might be out there who can share their experiences.

After years of educating myself on depression, being patient, dealing with outbursts of aggression and trying to find ways to support including going through therapy to remain strong I finally do not know anymore what else I can do. 

My partner has had depression long before we met in a previous relationship, he has got two kids under 10, his own company that is not going too well and huge financial problems. His family is far away from Australia and he has also not had a good relationship with his parents. His friends do not know about any of these issues and he believes there is nothing that can be done to improve his situation.

He is leaning on me very heavily and lashes out when I am not available at all times accusing me that I don’t care which hurts because I do care a lot. It is starting to have an impact on my own health as I feel like I can’t talk about it with friends again and again and all the self-care is now just keeping me going but I feel very tired and my body is aching. 

He keeps crashing and then usually gets angry or disappears and then apologises again and says that I deserve better and that I don’t have to be with him. I can see why he feels overwhelmed but don’t know what to suggest anymore. I have looked up numbers for helplines including financial help but he is not taking any action. 

would be grateful for any suggestions if anyone has had a similar experience. 

[tyme]

Hey @BS36 ,

I'm hearing you. It sounds so tough to have someone completely lean on you for their own needs. 

It's no wonder you are exhausted!

I haven't been the caregiver of a person with the same needs as you described, but I have been the person who needed care. Lots of it.

Upon reflecting how I was, all I can say is that you MUST set boundaries. There is only so much you can do. The more you 'give' the more he will require. Boundaries doesn't mean you leave him. Boundaries can look like, "When you are upset and wanting to lash out, I'm leaving the house for a break". Boundaries need to be set up to protect yourself. 

At the same time, he may eventually see that only HE can help himself. At the moment, it sounds like he is expecting you to be his comfort. However, recovery needs to come from him. He needs to come to a point where he reaches out because he doesn't want to continue the way he is.

I'm sorry how hard this is. Honestly speaking, things may be even harder until they get better.

Just keep hanging in there.

tyme

[BS36]

Thank you @tyme

your open and honest response means so much. I feel terribly sad when I have to step away from time to time to look after myself but you are right, he needs to realise that nobody in this world can take steps to recovery for him. 

It is so hard to watch though and it is also hard to not take things he says personal and to always deal with my sadness and worries by myself in order to protect him. 

We don’t live together which makes it easier to get or give space but harder too as I don’t know how he is doing when he goes quiet or pushes me away again in anger. I never know whether to leave him to deal with emotions and wait until he reaches out or whether to call or head over. It is usually me reaching out and just reminding him that I am here but I am starting to lose hope as it is such a vicious cycle and there won’t be any changes until he tries something different and seeks help. 

Christmas time  and the end of the year makes it even harder as everyone seems so cheerful. 

[tyme]

Hey @BS36 ,

Yes, I'm hearing how hard Christmas and NY is for a lot of people. I think with it comes this unsaid expectation that you should be 'happy', and therefore, many fall by the wayside - including myself in the past.

In any relationship, boundaries are really important. One thing I found which worked for me is that when I lashed out, the other person maintained their boundary. No matter how much I screamed or begged, they did not waiver. It hurt me then, but it showed me that I needed to do something to help myself.

I read that he is not ready seeking help. Do you have any idea about what's stopping him? Is it that he doesn't know where to look? Is it about money? Is it because he doesn't think there's an issue?

I'm quite curious to know as that may be the key to moving forward.

Please look after yourself.

[BS36]

I hear you @tyme on the boundaries. I know they are necessary and putting myself first sometimes is something I need to practice more. I just feel so guilty when I am stepping away. 

Good question in why he is not seeking for help. I think it is a mix 

- he has been seeing a psychologist regularly years ago and now very sporadically but that was a really expensive option. He feels like he doesn’t have the ,

money right now and he does not want to start from scratch with someone new 

- he believes nothing can help him and that his mind will forever be unwell 

- he has never done any of the homework given during therapy as he thinks nothing will help 

- I have shared numbers and links but he usually spirals down after something triggers him and it is usually related to running out of money and he is then not capable to focus on long term help when needing to fix short term problems but the problem is that without doing that the problems keep coming like a boomerang 

- his dad died in august and they have not spoken in years. He has sent him some very hateful messages in recent years and he hasn’t been able to speak to his dad before he passed away. He now feels like he deserves to be punished 

there are so many reasons why he should go into long term therapy and I even offered to go with him but he has been so on edge lately and it has been a rollercoaster between telling me how grateful he is to have me in his life and pushing me away accusing me of knowing what is good for him

As a result I have now stopped suggesting things but I don’t know what to do instead apart from trying to rebuild my own strength 

[tyme]

They are all very reasonable responses when it comes to not engaging in therapy. They are also very common responses. I wonder if he would be interested in SANE's Guided Service? https://www.sane.org/referral#registering-myself 

It's free and over the phone so he doesn't even need to leave the house.

But yes, he needs to want to do it. And if he does, he needs to commit. I'm speaking from experience. In my early adult hood, I said I wanted help, but deep down, I wasn't really. Hence it didn't work. Later, when I'd absolutely had enough of myself, I moved states to try and get away from the people giving me grief.

All went well after I moved.... for a few weeks. Then everything went to shambles again. This was when I realised that the issue was ME and no one else. Only then was I really ready for therapy.

Hopefully, he will come to the point where he realises things need to change.

A good thing is to pretty much say, "I can see you are struggling. If you feel up to it, you may want to contact ..... for some support. I'll it to you to decide."

"Do you feel things are working for you at the moment? or are there things you want to change?"

I think our job is to empower him to make the choices. By 'inviting' him to contact services, you are giving him the option to make that choice.

We just have to be patient and look after ourselves 🙂

[BS36]

Thank you @tyme 

@I have asked things like: are there things you would like to change yourself to which he usually responds that nothing can change. 

i think it is a mix of feeling overwhelmed and wanting someone else to solve his issues

i know that his ex wife’s parents supported them financially so he was used to being rescued but couldn’t live in the relationship as he felt trapped 

I have got another question for you. When he lashes out and is then not talking to me is the best approach for me to leave him to it or is it better to reach out to say I am there. I feel like I am rewarding him for bad behaviour every time I reach out after he just sent me an angry message 

recent example being that he spent Christmas Day with his kids and ex wife and I was with friends. I sent him a couple of messages during the day wishing him a joyful day with the family. He decided to go home earlier and I didn’t check my messages again until late when I found a flood of messages starting with saying his day was ok but he went home early as he didn’t feel so good again to sending links to events he wants to go to on his birthday to an angry message before going to bed accusing me of being too busy to check in with my depressed partner. The next morning the anger increased and he is throwing things at me like: for all you know I could have been in hospital. 

This is all making me feel extremely sad and I feel guilty despite the fact that I know I also need time with friends and time to breathe 

[tyme]

What good to do is come up with a list of boundaries when he is NOT triggered. e.g. "I don't check my phone all the time, so sometimes I may not answer until the evening or the next day. This doesn't mean I dont' care. I'll get back to you when I can" . Remember though, this can't be said in the heat of the moment @BS36 

Then, if the same situation happens, say, "Remember I mentioned I'm not always on my phone but this doesn't mean I don't care. I'll get back to you when i can"

As for 'rewarding' his behaviour. I'm totally hearing you. What I found is that if he is upset, and not talking to you. Let him know that he is welcome to contact you when he is ready. That way, HE is in charge of his actions. Once again, the work is to empower him rather than make him reliant on people crawling back to him.

To be honest, I wonder is he has significant trauma in his history? His behaviour and actions are quite consistent with having instability in his history. Only a thought...

[BS36]

Yes that makes sense @tyme  I always try to stay calm when things get heated but sometimes I have got bad days and probably don’t always find the right words.

the issue is that I can’t ever share when I am not well because he can’t cope. It makes me feel quite lonely at times

yes, his parents split up in the most traumatic way when he was little and I think he has never recovered from that or worked through it. they have also not spoken about it as a family and he is not particularly close with his sister who would probably be the best person to digest this with apart from professional help

when he split from his wife years ago he felt like he was doing the same thing to his family and has made him feel like a bad person despite the fact that the relationship hadn’t been good for many years. 

[tyme]

It sounds like he has a bit of trauma to work through too @BS36 .

This is something that needs a professional. I just hope he finds a way to seek help.