Feeling grey TW suicidal thoughts

[Milalagic23]

Life is, mediocre at best for me right now, my weekends are spent babysitting my brother and sister, weekdays are spent working, or laying at home thinking about how life should’ve been or could’ve been, I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m working and trying  to hit my goals but I still feel like I’m wandering aimlessly like I don’t know what to do with myself, I get overwhelmed thinking about how I’m going to achieve the things I want in life, given the current state of our world, everything’s expensive, everyone is all about themselves no one has any love for each other anymore it’s just ‘look at me, look what I can do, look how much I have’ I hate social media I can barely look at my phone anymore because everything on it just seems ridiculously out of touch and unimportant, I guess what I’m trying to say is that everything has lost its glow, I don’t see happiness in anything anymore I don’t feel excited to do anything. I just want to cry and cry until I can’t anymore. I want to get help but I’m not in the financial situation to do that. I’ve tried talking to people about how I feel and their replies just make me feel like they don’t care, I’ve sat down and told my parents that I’m not ok but everyone just goes back to normal after the conversation as if talking about it is going to solve my issues. The big thing that I think has fucked me over is my emotional permanence. I could be In the worst state of mind and the next minute it’s sunshine and rainbows and I think I’m ok. And then it happens again. There’s been so many days where I was ready to have a good day I set myself up to be happy and then one tiny minuscule event ruins it all and I’m back where I started. I feel like I’m not strong enough to keep going because I’ve been told ‘life is so much harder than this’ so many times, how am I going to survive if I can’t even live right now? There is nothing I haven’t tried. I don’t know what to do anymore

[Jynx]

@Milalagic23 I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you right now. And having so little by way of response from the folks that you've opened up to can be incredibly discouraging and invalidating. But I want you to know that your feelings and experiences do matter, and you're deserving of compassion and care during this difficult time.

So it sounds like you might be experiencing anhedonia - loss of the experience of pleasure in things that are usually pleasurable. It's a rough place to be. But the good news is that it can be worked on and overcome. I found a couple articles about managing anhedonia that might be of interest to you: 

8 ways to overcome anhedonia

Habits that help to deal with anhedonia

In terms of the financial barriers to getting support, I'm guessing you've explored options and mental health care plans already? It may or may not be of use to you, but there are databases that help you search for therapists that might be the right fit. I once found a therapist on one of them who was willing to give me a significant discount because I was in such a poor financial situation at the time - sometimes it's just a matter of emailing them to ask. Here's some links:

APS Find a Psychologist

Psychology Today Find a Counsellor

Another option for some free support is to give our counselling team a buzz on 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri, 10am-8pm). Or for more ongoing support, you can check out our Guided Service. 

Also thinking on the social media stuff - I totally agree with you that it can get very 'look at me'. Plus, the messed up part is that social media algorythms are designed to show us stuff that elicits fear and rage (two very powerful emotions, which end up getting more views, which makes them money. It's soooo predatory). Have you thought about taking a social media break? Could be helpful, it certainly was for me. Had more time to spend on the things that gave me that sense of pleasure and excitement, like working on my art projects and stuff. Are there some hobbies or interests you could engage in to try to reignite that inner spark?

I hope this is of some use to you. You don't have to walk this path alone; we're here beside you all the way 💜