TW- suicidal thoughts

[Llamadrama1212]

Hi Everyone,

firstly I am safe tonight. I wanted to know what are some reasons/biggest motivators people have for continuing to live?

My previous motivators don’t seem to work for me like they used to and I am feeling increasingly more exhausted from fighting against my brain since childhood. 

while I am safe, and do not have a plan or anything, sometimes I get scared because my thoughts have changed over the years. In the past I think I didn’t care too much about the future, whether I lived or died didn’t think about it much or have a plan for creating a life worth living etc. I guess I just thought I’d take each day as it comes and see what happens.

but now I actually do want to live but I am scared because I don’t know if I have the energy/have what it takes to keep fighting against my brain for years to come. 

i am so exhausted from advocating for myself, trying different meds, trying different psychologists. I have almost no friends/support system. 

I feel like I’m just not able to take care of myself and practice my DBT skills like I used to. I don’t like this fear of suicide as it used to be a comforting thought for me and now it causes more anxiety if that makes sense?

[Jynx]

Hey @Llamadrama1212 thanks for sharing where you're at, and thank you for also letting us know you're currently safe. I can imagine that even still, these thoughts are pretty scary to sit with. 

I think it's not an uncommon experience (well, myself and some of my friends in recovery who've had strong suicide ideation, have all spoken about it) to find oneself completely lost, overwhelmed, and thus have one's mental health take a nosedive despite making that choice to keep living. Like you said, before this decision there was no energy directed towards caring about the future; consequences didn't matter, and there was no point worrying about any of it. 

I shared this in another thread earlier this evening and thought it might be relevant here too: 

Recovery is not linear, and it's very normal for us to make progress, then regress, many times over. It can be exhausting, it's legit super hard work! But the work gets easier as we go - so I don't believe you'll be 'fighting your brain' forever. I think it makes sense to have an anxious reaction to SI re-surfacing, because where before it may have been a source of a sense of control, or like a sense of having a 'backup' if things get too overwhelming, now it is potentially an indicator that things are extra challenging at the moment, and perhaps even brings up a sense of 'failure' about not making more progress in your recovery (that's a bit assumptive of me, pls correct me if I'm wrong!). But it sounds like you're already approaching it differently, and that you've got more tools and knowledge to help you through it than you had before. Plus you're also out here talking about it rather than hiding from it. So kudos for that 😊

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Llamadrama1212 

I have some cheesy reasons for wanting to be here like: no-one could love my dog like I do, but overall my desire to live just comes from having slowly built a life around the little things. I go to coffee a lot, I like going to coffee. I take my dog for a walk. I ring people, sometimes this is frustrating but most of the time it's enjoyable. I watch episodes on Netflix. I study some. 

I have found that the way out of a really dark periods, for me, is to add one thing I like to do a day, until I have mastered that thing, then add another. So that might be going out for a coffee or something along these lines. Then when I can go to coffee without issue, add another thing - maybe watch an episode of a show I like. And then keep adding things. And pretty soon I have lots of little enjoyable, semi meaningful things in my life. And the desire to think about the end goes down. I mean there are no magic wands....but I'm semi content with my life these days and this was not always the case. I never thought I would be living a largely mundane, ordinary life....but here we are.

I hope that you feel better soon. Good on you for talking about it. 

[Trickster]

@Jynxand @Ainjoule touch on some great points particularly the point of its ok for something small to be your reason of hope, for me its been waiting for certain DnD Kickstarters to arrive but I might change it after hearing the coffee remark from Ainjoule I want to drink more types of coffee and teas that's something I enjoy and it can be something simple like looking forward to all the different blends of beverages you'll try in you're life.

[OM108]

@Llamadrama1212 

great idea to ask what motivates us to get up every morning, do life, go back to bed...rinse and repeat

philosophers, truth seekers and meditators have contemplated on that same question in the form of "who am I?"

....am I my body? am I my mind? am I my emotions? am I my thoughts/ideas? am I my breath? etc etc

... and who is the "I" that is fighting with my brain?

here is my answer to you... 

if what you are doing now isnt working well, then consider trying another approach....so rather than fighting with the brain, try moving your attention away from the brain into the heart area... and focus on slow, steady breathing.

you can create a state of coherence to balance your thoughts and emotions in a couple of minutes by focusing on the heart centre and releasing stress and draining emotions such as frustration, irritation, anxiety and anger.....simply by breathing.

if you follow that with thoughts of gratitude the brain actually changes!

What Science Reveals About Gratitude's Impact on the Brain - Mindful

how did this feel for you?

 

[Asgard]

Hi @Llamadrama1212 

Welcome to the our community on the forums, which as you can see is full of people who do care about you and what you are going through.

So what motivates us, well this continually changes, a bit like life itself.  For many of us its prtty mundane, there is that friend you haven't seen for ages, a show that you want to see, or maybe a holiday you have saved up for.  For me, I'm doing a CERTIV in peerwork, and through it I have so reeducated myself as regards MH and its effects on people.  I hadn't a clue when I started, but now I find that I can better understand both myself and other people.  You will find small things that motivate you, those little things that make you smile or even laugh.  Thinking of you.......Asgard

[D1ng0]

Hey @Llamadrama1212, I hope you're doing okay when you read this. Same goes for all of the other people here who experience suicidal thoughts.

I am continuing to live because I want to live. I do not want to die.

TW: Suicide (obviously) and self harming thoughts.

Content/trigger warning

I've meditated on this a lot, recently. I recognise that my suicidal thoughts are a natural (if very distressing and irrational) consequence of my life situation, mental illnesses, eating disorder, and physical disability.

What I actually want is for my pain to stop. What I actually seek when I think about hurting myself is the concern, support, and love of people who will be worried about my wellbeing. Understanding why my brain produces suicidal and self harming thoughts helps me take power away from those thoughts. The motivation behind those thoughts is what I can work to address.

I empathise with your exhaustion. I have basically no friends and no support system. Life is hard. I try to be kind to myself-- of course I feel this way. Of course my brain is producing extreme reactions to this horrible situation. It's completely understandable, even if it's frustrating, because what my brain is actually hoping to experience is peace, freedom, and safety... and that can't happen if I'm dead. The thoughts are flawed. They're raw emotion and extreme logic.

I have worked really, really hard to own my body and love myself. Consciously, the idea of hurting my beloved body is horrible. I'm doing physiotherapy to address my disability, I'm attending therapy, I'm seeing a dietician... I am putting in so, so much work, all because I want to live as my happiest self. Yes, that work is exhausting. Yes, my brain does sometimes crave the ultimate escape. But those thoughts are happening to me. They aren't who I am. And, since I know where those thoughts come from, I can work to address the causes.

I've experienced actual happiness, over the fast few days. I haven't been overjoyed, but I have felt peaceful, calm, and satisfied. I'm exercising again, and figuring out what the limits of my physical condition are. I'm relearning my body and feeling those endorphins. Really recently, I felt completely hopeless and numb... but, right now, I actually do have hope. It makes me want to live.

I don't know how similar our situations are, but there's my story. It's hard to live with suicidal thoughts, so you absolutely have my empathy. Especially regarding the healthcare stuff and self-advocacy. It's so difficult when you're isolated, unwell, and not supported enough. You're working so hard. Of course you feel tired. It's only natural. I hope you can be kind to yourself, because you deserve it.