Lived Experience Forum

[Samantha82]

I have been suffering from depression and anxiety because don't feel masculine. I want to be able to be myself around friends and family, but I don't have the courage to be who I want to be which is a girl. 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Samantha82 thank you for sharing and welcome to the Forums!

It sounds like you are going through a tough time rn and understandable that you are experiencing depression and anxiety if you don't feel like you can be your authentic self with your family and friends. I can relate as I identify as transgender and started presenting as my authentic self, last November. It was very challenging when I felt I couldn't present as my preferred gender which is female, and I also didn't feel masculine or that I fitted into that world.

Do you feel comfortable sharing more about your gender identity and your journey to be your authentic self here on the Forums? The community of peers and I may be able to support you through what is going on rn and share some of our journeys if you feel that would be beneficial. 

Have you heard of QLife? They are a LGBTIQA+ support line and it might be beneficial to reach out if you need a little extra support or what to talk with someone on the phone. QLife - Support and Referrals

Take care

RiverSeal 

[Samantha82]

I feel comfortable talking on here, especially to other people that's in the same situation as me. I have talked to a few trans groups but I am just worried about being bullied. When I first put on a dress I felt so happy and it matched how i feel inside. I also lost a close friend over it because he couldn't accept me being a girl 

[RiverSeal]

That's great that you have talked to a few groups @Samantha82 and that's a great way to meet like-minded people and learn about what others are going through. The fear of what people might say and random people in the street is very real and a lot of people who identify as trans feel this way. I certainly did and it affected me coming out to the community quite a bit. It is a challenge, but it can be overcome if you take the steps you want to take. I have this article which may be helpful and internalised transphobia if you would like to take a look: What is 'internalized transphobia'? (medicalnewstoday.com)

Presenting as your preferred gender and wearing the clothes you want to wear are really affirming and so pleased you had that experience. However, there are other ways you can affirm your gender if you cannot wear the clothes all the time. Some examples are changing your pronouns, feminising your body, researching about transitioning, following influencers in social media, and purchasing clothes and things like makeup etc. Can think of other ways too and that might fit into your life rn?

Do you know how you feel about transition at this point and is that something you are hoping for in the future? Transitioning is a choice and doesn't determine if you are transgender or not as it's more about how you feel inside rather than how you show up to the world.

RiverSeal 

[Samantha82]

Thanks for sharing the article. I have been clothes shopping in the girls section a few times and it felt nice. I have liked and shared posts on social media about females clothing and transition I into a girl. I want start by going to a beauty salon and get my nails and eyebrows done and wear a bit of makeup. I also wouldn't feel comfortable sharing toilets with men as I'm worried something bad may happen to me. 

[RiverSeal]

That's amazing @Samantha82 and some really big steps right there to feel your authentic self! I use female bathrooms now I am presenting female, and I feel safe there as I would not want to use a male bathroom anymore. I have found it affirming and respectful so far and it was one of the things I was concerned about before I transitioned socially. RiverSeal 

[Samantha82]

That's great. I'm just worried about using the female bathrooms when I haven't fully transition yet and still have my male parts. Some women may feel uncomfortable with me being there 

[RiverSeal]

Your gender identity is not determined by what parts you have in your underwear and it's nobody's business to ask or a need for you to respond if they do. We all have different things that cause our gender dysphoria and some people who are transgender need to have sexual reassignment surgery and others don't. It can be something that comes later if that's the choice you make and there is so much you can do before then. Have you been to see a specific gender doctor yet and talked about your options @Samantha82?

RiverSeal 

[Samantha82]

That's very true. Trans women can share the females bathrooms wheather they transitioned or not. And your right It's got nothing to do with them what's in our underwear. I don't want to fully transition and get the snip. I just want to go on HRT. I haven't spoken to a doctor about it yet 

[RiverSeal]

I believe many trans women choose to not have surgery for many reasons as it can be complex and expensive. They call it transitioning because it is a transition rather than everything happening at once. As you do things in your transition other things move into the spotlight and may become important when they weren't previously, including your sexuality. 

I felt the same when I started taking HRT had no plans to transition socially which influenced how I took HRT. You don't have to know the outcomes of your choices you just need to do what is right for you and be informed by a doctor along the way. There can be waiting lists to see doctors and get into clinics so thinking ahead can reduce anxiety if you are already seeing a doctor and you decide that now is the right time to take HRT. Doctors can help you with other things too @Samantha82 like getting a referral to see a specific gender psychologist or getting a diagnosis of gender dysphoria if that is important to you. 

RiverSeal