I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It makes me scared that people are so concerned. @Jynx. I know how concerned people should be but I don’t want them to have to feel it. 

I know I need to get through this. I know I need to do it alone but I know I can’t. I know that I need help. That’s so hard to admit. 

I just feel like I’m putting people out. Stopping you all from doing other things just to help me. It’s hard to know why people care? It’s hard to accept that people seem to. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 feeling concern is not... unpleasant? Not sure why you're trying to protect me from that one hun! Also I'm not stopping my work to help you... my work is to help you!! 

I think about it in terms of root emotional drives. So like, anger is often rooted in pain, jealousy is often rooted in fear, etc. 

Concern? That comes from care, compassion, and kindness. It comes from a desire to be good to other people. I ain't mad about feeling concern!!

Which is also precisely why you are so much less of a burden than you think. Because any of the energy spent on supporting you, and all our members, is returned tenfold - in the form of the internal warmth we get every single time we see our members come back and try another day, see them supporting one another through their toughest times, and get to celebrate everyone's journeys alongside them. 

Captain, supporting you isn't a burden it's a privilege.

One day I know you will know what I mean 😊💜

[Captain24]

I think you’ve gone now @Jynx but I’ll respond anyway. 

I feel like I have to protect those around me from having to worry about me. But I’m still stupid enough to be open. Which causes the concern. I have been concerned for others in the past and I have been worried about them. That’s where the protection comes in.

I never realised that’s where concern comes from but I do see it now. I see that I do it to. 

It’s hard to change the narrative in my stupid brain. I’m listening and I’m trying to take it on board it’s just conflicting. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life but I have to try and remember ‘feelings aren’t facts’

Thanks for continuing to support me. 

[Captain24]

I just walked into my room and Pix is lying on the middle of my bed. That meant she used the stairs to climb up. It’s the first time. Is it sad that I’m proud of her? 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ! Great to see you! 

Good on Pix! Amazing what they can do 🙂

No, it's not sad. Imagine a parent's joy when their child walks for the first time 🙂

How's things? 

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Welcome back!

Did the kids miss you? Your poor niece would have had to sleep in her own bed.

It’s awesome the way dogs great you after being away. 

She uses the stairs to get off my bed but never used them to climb up and I’ve had them for a few weeks now. 

Things aren’t great my end. My psych doesn’t want me working as she is scared of me driving to and from work. I had an appointment with her on Tuesday and I have another one tomorrow. She doesn’t work tomorrow, she’s at uni! 

I’ve been disassociating a lot and not knowing it. I’m losing whole days. I drove into a guide post and only came too when I hit it. More to it but I don’t think I can talk about it just it wasn’t an accident. 

Don’t come off the munchie med! It’s hell. I’m really struggling with withdrawals and I still have 9 weeks to go. 

I did have a really good week where I had tasks to do everyday and I completed 99% of my list. I felt mostly good but faded in the late afternoon. Then a massive crash. That bad that I nearly agreed to @Jynx calling ES but I was scared as I thought that they wouldn’t let me out. 

[tyme]

Yikes! Wow. I don't know what to say. Everything all at once. I can see why your pdoc is concerned about you working. It just doesn't sound safe. Is there a payment you can go on to support yourself financially if you are not working? @Captain24 

We all know we need money to survive, but I can see why she is concerned. 

I have to clock off now, but will respond properly as soon as I'm able! 

I'm still 'floating' and getting back into routine. I can't make head or tail of anything and I'm not even dissociating... I'm just confused lol.