I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Yeah I’m pretty lucky @Ru-bee. Both have been supportive. 

Im going to need a lot of strength to mask it for 2 whole hours. Thats if I can get out after the 2 hours. At least for my appointments I could just be real. 

Crying brings a lot of shame. I did cry a few weeks back but it last for an hour and a half. I don’t want to do that again. 

[Ru-bee]

Well just know there's never any shame associated with crying around here @Captain24 

I personally am a crier. It isn't always comfortable but I do always try to let myself cry when it comes because I know it helps. I even had a cry last night.

Anyway, on that note I'm off. Hope tonight goes quickly for you!

[Captain24]

Dinner done. It wasn’t great and then not only did I have to pretend to be ok around mum and dad but there was another lady there that ask how I was. So faked it again. 

I’ve done everything that has been asked of me. I was told to stand out in the rain and the cold to try and regulate me. Now I’m cold and wet but definitely not regulated. 

I am really trying here but this withdrawal is really not working out for me. I am really not ok. I don’t think I can do this. It’s making me feel sick. It’s making me feel scared. 

[Captain24]

@Jynx Are you still around? 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , what's happening for you? I'm not around much but here if you need any thing.

[Captain24]

I’m really not ok. @tyme. I’ve tried everything my psych suggested. It’s not as bad as last Thursday but it’s close. I don’t feel like I can do it. 

I’ve taken my meds but that was hard. 

My thoughts are really bad. 

My psych said not to decrease my meds this coming week to see if it is med related. 

It’s really hard to stay safe but if I get through tonight and tomorrow night it should hopefully settle. I just don’t know how to do it. 

[tyme]

Sorry to hear @Captain24 .

Do you have a safety plan in place?

Do you feel you need to contact 000?

We are concerned.

[Captain24]

I’ve been working through it @tyme. I’m trying so much and so hard. It’s not as though I’m just giving into it. I’m trying to help myself.

Im trying ‘dropping the anchor’ but it’s hard and I’m not very good at it. Yet. 

Im not at 000 level yet. If I wasn’t trying then maybe. 

[tyme]

It takes a lot of courage to do this @Captain24 . I really wanted to acknowledge this.

I am glad you were able to speak to your psych about it. Yesterday you mentioned something about a few weeks of riding out the medication... why is that?

[Captain24]

My psych is at uni today but she wanted to see me so she fitted me in. She doesn’t work today @tyme She is concerned after last week and also the fact that there is days I can’t recall. 

Im being taken off the munchie med. It’s suppose to be dropped every week but at the moment the side effects are just too much. So I’m not changing it this week to see if next week pans out better. Then I have to make an appointment with the Pdoc and discuss different options. 

Doing it the way she wants means I’d be off it in nine weeks. But she said the withdrawals get worse the lower the dose. 

I want you to know that I am trying. 

It’s different. It’s like a sudden drop into SI. My mood lowers and then bang, it hits me. My psych watched it happen during our appointment. 

Sorry everything is all over the place and I’m probably repeating myself. It’s my heightened state.