Navigating Challenging Relationships as Carer

[IronLady]

Hello everyone,

I am reaching out to this forum seeking advice and support regarding a challenging situation I am facing as a caregiver. My stepdaughter, who is in her late 20s, has recently been admitted under the Mental Health Act after experiencing a manic psychosis. She has been diagnosed with BPD as well as ADHD. Trust issues, particularly with her parents, are a significant struggle for her.

In this difficult time, she has nominated me as her carer and first point of contact. However, there is a friend in her life who seems to undermine me at every turn.

This friend has crossed boundaries by discussing my stepdaughter's state of mind and very specific medical details with her mother, despite specific requests that I am the only person who may convey information to her parents. When I confronted the friend about this, she visited my stepdaughter without my presence and attempted to portray me as the one in the wrong. Although she didn't initially disclose that she discussed her with my stepdaughter’s mom, I was furious when I found out. The friend eventually confessed, and my stepdaughter forgave her because she does need a friend outside our intricate family situation. But, I fear that this will not be the last incident. 

This incident is just the latest in a long list of negative influences from this friend. It is challenging enough being a stepmother and maintaining relationships with my stepdaughter's mother and my husband, but this friend's issues add an extra layer of complexity to the situation.

The friend has even gone so far as to express doubts about my suitability as my stepdaughter's carer (although I am not only her stepmom but also qualified to act as a court appointed guardian and have done so in the past). This situation is incredibly challenging, as my only goal is to ensure my stepdaughter receives all the help she needs. However, it is difficult to achieve this when I am constantly undermined by someone who clearly does not have her best interests at heart. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and guilty for my anger.

If anyone has any words of advice, support, or comments on how to handle this situation, I would greatly appreciate it. Your insights and experiences could provide valuable guidance on how to navigate these difficult circumstances. Thank you in advance for your understanding and support.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @IronLady , 

Bravo to you for continuing to look out for and advocate for your step-daughter. It sounds like you are doing a great job and care about her deeply! 

I had to re-read this as I expected your s/daughters friend to be much younger. Has she been a friend for a long time? Does she have a bond with the mother? 

It must be incredibly hurtful to have somebody express doubt in your capabilities especially when your concern is about the safety and welfare of your s/daughter. 

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @IronLady

Firstly, I am super glad you decided to reach out and connect with us all here on the SANE forums 🙂

I hear your experience of personal boundaries being crossed and expressing concern for your stepdaughter's wellbeing.

I am curious if you have shared these thoughts and feelings of yours with your stepdaughter? Wonder what it would look like to discuss boundary setting with your step daughter, so that she is able to set some with her friend to keep herself safe.

I admire that you can also at the same time, understand the importance of her having personal connections and support from others, such as her friend, outside of the immediate family circle.

While I am not a parent, I can imagine there is great responsibility and also struggles in maintaining a relationship with your stepdaughter's parents, but it sounds like you're doing a fab job so far, and that you are trustworthy, caring and looking out for the best for your stepdaughter.

All the best,
PizzaMondo

[IronLady]

@Jasper_123 thank you very much for the kind words. She is the only child I have and I will literally go to the ends of the world for her.

It’s so hard to keep it short whilst still giving enough information, so thanks for the questions. The friend has been around for just over 2 years, with a 6 months friendship break in 2023. The friend is in her early 20’s, so quite a few years younger than my s/daughter. She currently works for my s/daughter’s mom twice a week. It is during this time that she shares information and because my s/daughter is not communicating with her mom at the moment, her mom uses this as an opportunity to find out information about what is going on in her daughters life.

My s/daughter did amazing during the 6 month friendship break. Her relationship with her mom also improved a lot during that time but as soon as the friendship rekindled, everything started going downhill again.

Both parents love their daughter. Her trust issues at the moment cannot solely be contributed to them, although that is obviously the last thing we care about at the moment.

What I wanted to mention is that currently I am just documenting every text message, recording our telephone conversations (and I’ve informed the friend) just to be sure if push comes to shove, and my s/daughter is up for it, I have a foot to stand on that I’ve always tried my best to act in her absolute best interest.

I hope this answers your questions.

[IronLady]

@PizzaMondo thank you for the kind words. I am so grateful for the SANE platform as it has already helped me tremendously.

Prior to my s/daughter’s current situation, the friend and I did not get along. Her behaviour has not been favourable towards the wellbeing of my s/daughter for the entire duration of their friendship. My s/daughter is aware of my opinion of the friend and I respect that until she can identify it for herself, she won’t cut ties with her friend.

Coming back to the current situation, she was not (and to a big extent still is not) well enough to have a discussion about this. What I’ve done instead is to print out a copy of the long message I wrote to the friend raising the fact that she discussed my s/daughter’s state of mind with her mother, her opinion about my suitability to act as carer etc. I gave that to my s/daughter to read when she was ready. My message to the friend was respectful and factual without emotions.

Since then my s/daughter has not mentioned anything more about the situation and neither have I, however, yesterday she was released under the Mental Health Act and we checked her in to a private mental health facility. On the admission forms she specifically wrote the friends name as a person who is never allowed to receive any information. So, I assume that she did read the printout. 

She also expressed her gratitude for me and said that if it was not for me, she does not think that she would even be here anymore. It made it all worth it knowing that the decisions I have made to date has had a positive impact.

For the moment all seems to be more calm and time will tell whether the friend continues with her behaviour. Again, thank you very much for the words of support and advice. It is invaluable to me.

Best Wishes 

IronLady 

[Tilz]

@IronLady  You are really a iron lady ❤️ . Hope everything will be fine.

[Mum83]

Good morning Carer, I see you have mentioned Guardianship and I just wanted to say I have held Guardianship for my son for 12 years now and  have found it very valuable in navigating the range of challenges he faces. It assists me in managing his finances , accommodation and health matters etc. In order to have more say in your stepdaughter's life and possibly the intrusive 'friend' you may want to consider applying for guardianship in this instance. All the best