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Re: Living with Loneliness

Hey @Emmy2 welcome to the forums!!!

 

i'm so sorry that you've been dealing with loneliness for so long, it must be so exhausting having to hide it from others. even though society tends to associate men with being 'tough', men are just as human as any other gender, and as humans we all experience emotions - the good and the bad. you are allowed to cry, feel sad, feel lonely, feel hurt, just as you're allowed to laugh and to be happy. 

i really liked your poem too, i can relate to struggling to trust people and show my true version to them. 

 

even though you feel loneliness, i hope it brings you some comfort to know that you're not alone in that feeling here. we are here for you. it takes a lot of courage to reach out and share how you truly feel, i'm so glad you were able to come here and do that today. do you have any supports you can talk to about this?

 

we also have a lovely community here you can connect with, feel free to introduce yourself in the welcome thread and join in the newbie's social circle! There's also more threads relating to loneliness that you can check out if you'd like to read about other people's experiences.

 

we're so happy to have you here 💗

Re: Living with Loneliness

Hey @Emmy2, I can totally relate to everything you wrote.  I always just pretended to be happy and funny when I was around people.  It started in early school as it seemed the only way to get other kids to like me.  It became the only way I knew to relate to anyone.  I still honestly can't say if that is the real me, just an act I put on when around people, or i've just gotten so used to doing it that it has become the real me.  I just know that when I'm by myself that's when I feel 'normal' and like I can relax and be myself and not pretend anything.
 
To me the world feel like swapping between one stress or another.  The stress of being around people and worrying about what they think of me,  or being alone and being rid of that stress only to then be stressed about being alone.  It seems now that I spent 50 years trying so hard to not be alone that I kept everything to myself, did everything I could to always be happy and make people laugh only to end up pretty much alone anyway.  I still don't think people would have liked me if I was more honest about my emotions with them so I still don't know what I could have done differently.  It feels too late now to change anything now.  I have my partner who likes me as I am, and that feels like a miracle in itself.  Maybe it's greedy to want to try for more.

 

Re: Living with Loneliness

I feel like I'm late to the party here but thought I'd try to answer the initial questions...

 

1. What does loneliness look like for you?

Like an empty, dark room with a one way window allowing me to look out at the rest of the world.

 

2. How does loneliness feel and how does it impact your wellbeing?

Like failure, or not being good enough.  I feel like it has made me more resilient but it makes other struggles worse.  i.e., getting sick and have little or no support to help you through.  So things that get me down are just made worse due to lack of family/friends around me.

 

3. Are the periods of the day or year when loneliness is harder to manage?

Night time in bed.  The quiet gives me time to think about how nice it would be if things were different.  Birthdays and Christmas are hard.  Hearing neighbours having a party has always got me down.  I remember a time in school when I had this one friend and we would hang around with each other during lunch and recess.  At one stage he was gone for a week or so.  I ended up spending each lunch and recess during that time just walking around the school, thinking that if anyone saw me they would just assume I has been somewhere and was walking back to where ever my friends were rather than just some sad lonely kid.  

 

4. What have you done to manage loneliness, do you have tips for others?

Growing up, I initially thought everybody went home from school and stayed home finding ways to amuse themselves so I didn't realise there was a problem until later.  After that, I had no idea what to do to fix it so I just probably isolated myself even more, thinking if I was going to be alone, better it be my decision rather than people thinking it wasn't by choice!  At the time it seemed like the only way to save a tiny bit of dignity from the situation.

 

I just try to reach out as much as I can now... which isn't a lot to be fair, but every little bit helps a lot.  It doesn't need to be to make friends (although that would be great) but just having contact with another person during the day helps me feel less alone.  It's also nice to find out some people actually seem to like having contact with me, which helps raise my confidence bit by bit.

Re: Living with Loneliness

Welcome Emmy2 ,

loneliness is definitely something I relate to strongly, as is with holding up the facade that “ur ok” for others- but in the quiet times sitting with our thoughts definitely is not alway a healthy space

to be in- one very hard to shake feeling equally hard to describe-

 

so I hear you on this

 

i I know for myself it’s also very hard to connect and share these feelings with anyone- so well done you for reaching out here- whilst you may feel very alone- and sit with uncomfortable feelings in reality your not alone in feeling overwhelmed and unable to connect in a way that takes that lonely feeling away

 

 

keep reaching out- keep sharing like a muscle that gets stronger with exercise it definitely improves the self healing that needs to happen- and knowing that u are ok in your own space

 

may I ask if you are accessing any counselling? Or what has been helpful 

 

hope this message finds you well

take care keep talking it helps and healing will happen

regards

Re: Living with Loneliness

I'm wondering @MJG017 

 

Was was your father like when you were growing up ? I think I'm reading a book by Terrance Real about fathers depression being picked up by their sons ......

 

Am I incorrect in thinking this ? 

Re: Living with Loneliness

@PeppyPatti 

My father was definitely, disconnected with me.  I'm not sure i'd say he was depressed.  He was just very old school and though he went to work, made the money to provide food and a roof.  That was his responsibility as a parent done!  He never did anything with me.  I guess if I liked fishing, we would have probably got on a lot better.

 

I have found a history of similar mental struggles with my biological siblings when I found them 3 years ago.  My bio-mom also had a lot of her own struggles.  I obviously didn't group up with any of them, so maybe there's a genetic link there... who knows.  It was strange talking to them and finding so many similar struggles even though not having met them until being in our 50s and 60s.

Re: Living with Loneliness

Do you wanna tell me more @MJG017 

I would love to read more. How did you get in contact ? 

Re: Living with Loneliness

Be careful what you ask for @PeppyPatti, it's quite the story. 😁  Nothing like I ever expected, that's for sure.  Plus when I tell them, they're always long so apologies in advance.

 

I'd always desperately wanted to find my biological parents but was always too afraid to try in case I was rejected again.  I was about to turn 50 and had and realised I'm not getting and younger and either would me parents be so I was probably running out of time if I didn't try to find them soon.  So in a moment of desperation I applied online for my adoption records after a bit of googling on how to even do it.

 

About 8 months later I had completely forgotten about it when I received a phone call.  A woman asked if I was me, I said yes and she said she was calling about my application for my adoption records.  It all came back!  Oh god!  What had I done?!  I had originally convinced myself to go through with it by convincing myself I could get the records, I would then hopefully know my birth parents names and I could leave it at that.  Now it all seemed a bit too real.  50 years of so much thinking about it was finally here... it was surreal to say the least.

 

She then told me they like to go through what is in the files before they give them out so that the person doesn't just have all this information dumped on them to deal with.  I guess they like to 'ease you in'.  The first thing she told me was my original birth name.  I wasn't expecting this and it was so strange to know I had a different name when I was born.  It makes perfect sense of course but hearing it was... I can't really describe it.

 

She then told me I had 5 siblings, 3 were adopted out and 2 were kept.  I hadn't really ever though about this, but to know I had all these siblings and I was the 2nd youngest took me a while to take in.  Then she told me my mothers name, and that did get to me quite a bit.  She told me my fathers name but said he sort of left the picture around the time I was born so there's no more information on him.  It was all a lot to take in.  After a bit of a chat she said I would then be emailed a link to download all the files.

 

The files I got had all the birth records of all the siblings and a few extra files including a complaint made when I was about 3 about my parents keeping me at home and apparently I had used "undesirable language" around someone.  The file was just this man's final report after chatting to my adoptive parents.  Nothing was done and the report ended that the chat with my parents would be warning enough and shouldn't affect their current application to adopt a 2nd child... which they did 5 years after I was born.  There was also a letter back from the department after my parents had writing to them saying they found a letter in their letterbox saying it was from my birth mother asking to see me.  I must have been about 12-18 months going by the dates.  They replied by saying my birth mother would have no idea where my adoptive parents lived, so it was probably a hoax, so just throw it away.  I still don't know what to make of that.

 

There was also a letter from 2001 where my mother had applied to get the adoption information on me and my younger brother (also adopted out).  It was odd though because it said the records were to go to my sister (the one that was kept) and to I assumed me because the name listed was my first and 2nd names followed by my birth surname.  I found out later, that name was my older brother (also not adopted out) and we actually had the same first and second names... weird.

 

I was told to go talk to PASS (Post Adoption Support Services) who are part of Relationships SA here in Adelaide.  They would help me track them down and make contact if I wished, but they they would do it gradually as that was regarded as the best way for everyone involved.  This was on a Thursday afternoon.  I spent all that evening and Friday searching the internet for these names without much success.  Apart from a facebook page of a woman whose name matched, she was listed as living in the ACT but 'from Adelaide'.  She looked about the right age from the profile photo to be my mother and sort of looked a bit like me.  So I saved it as a possibility.  I also found a primary school class reunion facebook page that listed a woman with my oldest sister's adopted name.  Someone in the background had a tshirt with the reunion year.  It matched the school grade and year she would have been at that time based on the date of birth on her record.  The school was also just down the road from the address listed in record of her adoptive parents.  I also found this woman's facebook page.  This did feel like it was getting a bit 'stalky'.  I filed this away as another possibility.

 

I thought I would give this information to the people at PASS when I saw them and that was all I could do for now.  The thing is, it's really hard to let these things go.  I kept going back and looking at these facebook pages of these 2 women.  They certain looked a little bit like me, but hardly enough to be sure.  I couldn't stop going back to them.

 

I continues this on the Saturday and i was looking at my mothers page.  There was nothing on it, but 5 likes of her profile photo.  From the photo she looked to be in a wheel chair and in a nursing home.  But i looked at the 5 names that had liked the photo and thought they probably worked at the home or at least knew her.  I still couldn't just let things go so I sent a message to the first name, just saying I was trying to get in contact with a woman with this same name who lived in Adelaide in 1970. What's the harm in that I thought.  I could be trying to find her for any number of reasons.  I clicked send. 

 

That's when I looked at the name of the woman I had sent the message to a bit closer.  It was hyphenated.  The last bit was my birth surname.  I looked at her friends list.  The woman who I had found from the school reunion page was listed as a friend.  I wasn't supposed to make contact!  It was supposed to be a gradual thing!  I started to worry about what I had done when there was a ding.  This woman had replied.  She said hi and said she was happy to hear from me and that the family had been waiting for quite a while to hear from me.  She sent me links to her father's facebook page (my brother) and her aunt (my sister) and said she'd let them know I had made contact.

 

So I heard from the both fairly quickly and we exchanged messages and my oldest sister contacted me (the woman from the school reunion page) and over the next month or so I met my brother and oldest sister who both lived here in Adelaide. My other sister lived in the ACT, which is why my mother was there as it was a better idea to have my sister close by her than my brother, so they moved her to a nursing more in Canberra.  I went to Canberra for a few days later in the year (this was all in February) an met my sister and her family and my mother... after going through all the covid screening and testing to get in to the nursing home.

 

I still remember the first time I spoke to my mother.  I hadn't met her yet but I was on the phone to my sister who was on her way to visit mum and we had talked for so long that she made it there while we were talking and she just said "Do you want to talk to her?" and handed me the phone.  At least I didn't have time overthink things 😁

 

So that's basically it.  I had another older sister who was also adopted out, but had apparently died from cot death when she was about 6 months.  That was really hard to hear.  The PASS woman in the original phone cal had told me that.  I had a younger brother who they had contacted his adoptive mother as a result of that letter from 2001 I mentioned.  His mother wrote back saying he didn't want contact but she had sent them some photos.  I found out a letter was sent to my adoptive mother as well but I had never known about it.  Maybe it got lost in the post... who knows.  But knowing her as I did, if she got a letter from my birth family she would have been to threatened to ever tell me about it.  In 2001 I still lived at the same house my parents live in when I was born, so the address on my adoption record was still current.  My brother and sister said they had both driven up to the house to check it out, but never made contact.  I understand that, but knowing they were in a car outside the house 23 years ago still troubles me... what could have been.  My oldest sister had also told me she had made contact with the family 35 years ago but wasn't that close to them as she considered her adoptive family as her real family.  This was very hard to hear as it instantly made me think of all the years with them I had lost.

 

So that's pretty much the story.  Sorry for being so long but I don't really do short, concise stories 😁

Re: Living with Loneliness

Was reading this: @MJG017 

 

I felt absolute surprise at your message. This bit: ;;; you write:

 

she got a letter from my birth family she would have been to threatened to ever tell me about it.  In 2001 I still lived at the same house my parents live in when I was born, so the  

 

Does this mean that you still live with your adoptive parents?

Your adoptive Mum wouldn’t like information about your Mum biological?

 

Ive put this powerful message in my favourites file because I will need to read it a few more times. 

 

Thankyou very very much that you told me. You are amazing that it feels like you have a grip on yourself in a helpless situation. 

I love being 56 years old. I feel like my life has had a restart button. After all these years……..

 

Are you getting more clarity on yourself after all this information ?

Nighty night ….

Re: Living with Loneliness

@MJG017 thanks for sharing your story about reconnecting with your birth family.

It sounds like a roller coaster of highs & lows... ( should i hit " send "? / " Will I upset someone?". The fear & anxiety involved is palpable. There was a lot of super sleuthing (like a private detective). Yet a sense of your determination shone through. You needed to do it for you.

As I wound up reading it, I too thought of all those lost years. Sadly even in birth families people can be estranged due to family conflict/ cut offs for decades. Until it's almost too late. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us.