Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

@Kurra

Hi Kurra

thank you for your post, I am concerned about how you are now travelling and the ramifaciations of your health issues. So many thanks for sharing.

And so........... How are you doing? The condition is no doubt frightening and the treatment even more so. It is so important at these times to be thought of. 

I am thinking of you, if able please let me know what is happening, your support for me has been invaluable, Just alow me to give back.

Lotsa Luv

Bastless

[Kurra]

@Bast

Hi Bast,
You are right. What I'm coping with is very frightening and the treatment is violent in its own way. However I had some promising news yesterday indicating a reduction in the mass. Nevertheless there's a long road ahead. I've been prescribed stronger pain meds which shoud help an additional painful condition. I intend to retain my mobility and independence for as long as possible!

I'm managing well mentally. Work certainly helps keep me distracted and young although I do have to admit that this ageing bidy are starting to let me down.

The distressing situation I referred to is unchanged with the exception of my distress which is now minimal. What will be will be. I'm a veritable rubber ball. The harder I fall, the higher I bounce.

Thinking of you. Luv n Hugzzz 💕🎶💕

[Bast]

Hi all furrbaby lovers.

Today is another grim day. I am utterly gripped by sadness and fear. I have no interest in anything and am struggling to get out of bed. I simply do not want to be anymore.

The loss of Bast has become so completely entwined with the damage from work. I do recognise that I could not keep going although I almost made it through 5 months. On 23/5/17 I surrendered, I could not stop crying. On 12/1/17 I did some of the best work I haver done for a client, somehow became accused of being incompetent due to MI because I had a normal human reaction and cried and was targeted by HR and management. From there - they demanded a IME psychiatrist assessment, from there they purposesly escalated the stressors. The history of bullying and discrimination is now 5 years. I was fortunate, I had a very assertive union rep, I put in the w/c claim, withdrew it and at his insistance and with his support met with a solicitor, the claim was subsequently resubmitted and aproved on            12/7/2017.

I had Bast killed on 7/7/17. I cannot care about me and am drowning as a result. I understand that the episode is now deepening and I have taken Bast with me to a very deep hole. It is so much about experiencing decomposition together. I constantly think about the no point thing.

My other 5 furrbabies continue to behave differently, their A leader is no longer here to direct them as a pack. I know that  cats are not usually respondent to military status, however Bast took on the Commander role. I so miss him, we all miss him.

I think I have just gone away - nothing is left of me.

Bastless 

[Former-Member]

 Yesterday Bast,I talked to Faith and Hope about my life on the farm with the numerous cats we had.I feel absolute guilt over things which were wrong to do,and things that I had no control over.Those guilts included, realising you should've euthanized sooner,or the difficulty in euthanizing when it's "time" and you have to let that animal go if you love them.You didn't **** Bast,you loved him enough to let him go.It doesn't make the decision any easier.

I hope you have someone you can talk to Bast.

[Former-Member]

 Yesterday Bast,I talked to Faith and Hope about my life on the farm with the numerous cats we had.I feel absolute guilt over things which were wrong to do,and things that I had no control over.Those guilts included, realising you should've euthanized sooner,or the difficulty in euthanizing when it's "time" and you have to let that animal go if you love them.You didn't **** Bast,you loved him enough to let him go.It doesn't make the decision any easier.

I hope you have someone you can talk to Bast .

[Bast]

thank you

Your love for cats shines. I have so many doubts as I was so unaware. I feel guilt because I was so detached due to the work garbage. And then, I was at home with Bast. I was stuck, the husband continued to inform me Bast was unwell, he would describe the symptoms and the notable deterioration, I could not allow further distress into my already rampaged mind. 

I simply kept up with the is he eating routine as evidence that he was OK, I kept on showering with love, somehow unconsciously that would make Bast better. Bast was so unwell I know I responded with nothing. I just somehow accepted the changed Bast. I acknowledge that to consider anything else was way too hard. It was also about alignment, I felt terrible as did he. I had no right to allow this as I did.

The corrosion is horrific, it is multifactorial and I am constantly afraid. 

[Bast]

I am still raining inside. It is like a deep dark rain that leaves murkey puddles wherever you go. It is like being admonished to the black with no way out. It is simply misery. I am far to familiar with despair and I so miss Bast. It is utterly dreadful the loss and so ongoing. I undertake my counselling work and constantly question does it matter, do I actualy make a difference for  people that are suffering?, for me I am greiving for the loss of my beautiful Bastie Boy and the loss of my work. I constantly question and doubt my abilities. 

I have lost my ability to do my my job due to the never ending bullying and discrimination and above all else I have lost my treasured Bast, my heart is so broken and I am constantly afraid, to give up seems like the only solution. 

I am so alone and afraid

Bastless

[Bast]

@utopia@Sans911@Kurra@Former-Member and all

The incredible intracies of my life are just becoming increasingly convoluted. The sense of being utterly overwhelmed expanding and the battle to keep on going becoming more and more demanding every day. The husband is unable to contain himself, I don't react, the sadness just corrodes further. At times he seems to care, although mostly it is about the attitude of well......fix it. We have adopted another rescue Bengal and the cat is now the justification for all is better, just stop the sooking. Fair enough, I now disguise what I am going through as best I can. 

I have lost my job and my Bast and have travelled by car for 90 minutes with relentless panic twice. We went to collect Odin (our rescue Bengal) on Saturday I had to do the calmer option to even make it out of the house. I became terrified in the Melba tunnel, a new experience. Learnt on the way back to close my eyes and attempt not to register it - Odin yelled all the way.The husband continued to emphasise that all is now fine, what is my problem. The anxiety, sadness and panic have been attempting to take over ever since.

Odin is now residing with the husand in his study, he spends most of his time there, for me it just further reinforces how unbearable I am. I try to question that my dark view is irrational although his words wound deeply.

I ensured my other furrbabies dined safely and allowed Odin to further review his new home. All was Ok until he figured out the Harry Potter bedroom and climbed right into the back. With a torch and much writhing to fit, I managed to get Odin out. I now have shredded hands and legs. My other furrbabies have to also be a priority. I am so concerned that Odin is damaged beyond help, the aggression is actually frightening and I dont know how to help him. I know that this is overlaid by the dreadful experience of rescuing a MVA feral and carrying him to safety whilst I was bitten on the face repeatedly and arms and legs,

Tomorrow I have to take another rescue to the vets, he is displaying cold symptoms similar to Bast......I can't help thinking the worst again, he is my beautiful boy Articulate, a feral rescue, aging and has taken over bed time. i am really frightened to go.

In additon to all of this I have my workcover claim to contend with - just a horror story in motion. I have approval for a psychiatric assessment, no psychology or anything else. I do not receive replies to emais and although Gp has attempted twice to establish psychology this remains ignored. 

My hands are now swelling from contending with Odin's bites, I just can't care about me. It is the same again - what for.

Bastless

[Sans911]

@Bast I'm glad to hear from in one part, but I'm so sorry to hear that life gets more and more difficult for you. You are not only grieving the loss of a previous child, but the loss of your occupation as well as all the complications that go only with your compensation claim. You are also feeling guilty, ashamed, helpless overwhelmed, anxious and lacking support from those who should be supportive. That's really, really super difficult, for you. I'm sorry too that Odin has not taken you, but he obviously senses your emotions, and under stress himself, is acting act. I hope Articulate is not as sick as you fear, and recovers swiftly. Hugs & hugs Bast. Take care of yourself xx

[utopia]

@Bast. Sounds like poor Odin has suffered a trauma - just like you. Sorry ti hear of your scratches. I am glad he is comfortable going into the study with your husband. For whatever reason - Odin may feel calmer or safer in your husbands presence. My mums rescue dog prefers male company.
It sounds like it will take time for you both to settle in together and establish a safe routine that both Odin and you are comfortable with.
Your grief over Bast won't automatically be gone because you have a new cat to look after. He was one of a kind. He was unique. You loved him deeply.
Take the time you need to cry.