Firstly thanks for the update and secondly whatever works for you, I will always support you. Only you know the full story and everything that has gone on. Really good to hear that you feel empowered in yourself that takes courage, which I know you have. Let us know how things go, it will have its ups and downs no doubt, but know that you will always have friends on here who support you. Take care..................Asgard
@Asgard again, your post brings tears to my eyes. We don't share the part of us that is just - tired - and I'm "working hard" on a lot of things.. my mum bought me a book called the Guide to Self Care, she's a smart woman. I am feeling a lot more settled and so supported by this group of like minded souls. What a gift, and may you have a terrific day. Alice10
While going through my social media last night, I found an author who writes a no nonsense book on coping with life. And he was offering to email you his newsletter each week, which would include one idea, one question and one exercise each week that he says could spark your next breakthrough. And it is free.
He said it is a no fluff, no filler, no BS. Just five minutes each week that might change everything.
And at this moment, a breakthrough is exactly what I am after. So I have subscribed to his newsletter.
Once my email was confirmed he emailed a link through to a form, so I could answer 5 questions. And for the first questions he wanted to know, in what areas of life your life you need help. And he wanted it to be as detailed as possible.
While I was answering that question, and over sharing like us people pleaser do, I actually realised why, even though, since Wednesday I have actually felt happy and smiling, for the first in a long while, there was something that just wasn't right. But once I started typing it out, I became aware of why that niggle was there.
In 2002 my partner of 11 years took his own life, because I finally had had enough of his DV and I was leaving him. After six months of being absolutely miserable and crying all the time, I finally saw a doctor, who said I have depression and gave me some medication. I never sought any other type of help, nor was it offered to me. But for 21 years, I held on to guilt and blaming myself for what happened. Initially he was the love of my life and we couldn't get enough of each other. I was so in love with him. That lasted for 5 years, then it all changed.
We will fast forward to 2008 and I was in my 3rd DV relationship. But this time charges were laid and jail time was served. And I definitely needed to seek some help. I had basically hit rock bottom. I was no long capable of taking care of my daughter, and she had to live with her dad, and to this day she still does 😢
I was fired from my job, for taking too many days off work, when I needed to recover, both mentally and physically. So I now couldn't even afford to buy much food to feed myself and my daughter, as I still had to pay rent. I ended up having to declare myself bankrupt, and my first ever V8 that I owned and loved was repossessed. I cried as I watched it being taken away. A couple of weeks later I received an eviction notice, because I was no longer two weeks in advance with my rent.
I finally sought extra help, as I was not in a very good place at all. I shut everybody out. I did a couple of years of therapy and found after my sessions I might feel a bit better for maybe a day or two and that was it.
In 2020 I moved to the other side of town away from everybody. I got myself back in the mental health system. It wasn't until I saw my 6th therapist and we were discussing the love, sorrow and guilt that I felt regarding my partners death, she asked one right question. And I finally realised that his death wasn't my fault. Then my sorrow turned to anger and disgust because of the way he treated me. A week later I felt the need that I had to visit his grave, and I yelled at his plaque and told him exactly what I thought of him. I ended up having a good cry. and then felt so much better.
And from there I was open to attending workshops to help me with different areas of my life. I found after doing the workshops, that I really enjoyed them and my mood would pick up for a few weeks, as I then had some hope that maybe, I will overcome my issues. But eventually the depression and CPTD return.
Which brings me to now. I have completed 2 weeks of a 10 week course called Dare to Dream. And after the session on Wednesday, I was talking to the other ladies and having a laugh with them and it felt awesome. I then saw my therapist the next day and she commented on how much better I looked. But the niggle in the back of my head, is that I am worried that just like the other workshops, it won't stick and I will go back to the roller coaster of depression.
I am still couch surfing and have been told by the government, that the wait will be around 5 years for government housing. I have been struggling with my mental health for 22 years, and have reached the point, where I have had enough of the struggle. And just before I commenced the workshop, I was really struggling to find anything good to look forward to in the future. The workshop has given me a glimmer of hope, so I think that niggle is anxiety starting to build, because what if this workshop doesn't work either. I just don't know if I am capable of living my current life, for anther 5 year, while I wait for somewhere permanently to live.
I am just really hoping this workshop is the break through that I desperately need. 🤞🤞
Does anyone else have these same sort of feelings, while doing a workshop or course, and then find you end up going back to what you know? Any sort of feedback would be appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post ❤️ Sorry it was a long one ☹️
It takes a lot of courage to open up and share. We thank you for trusting the SANE forums community with your experiences.
Just a side note, I've added a trigger warning and spoiler to your post. Members just need to click on it to read it so nothing is lost from you story of resilience and bravery.
For me, when I was recovering, I used these very forums to document what was going on for me. I found it helped to be able to clarify thoughts in my mind as well as being able to read back and see how far i'd come. Not sure if this will also be helpful for you in this way.
@PeppyPatti is an awesome OG. Was here from the beginning and we've just been chatting about the huge changes for themselves as well as SANE forums over the past 10 years... truly amazing!
Hi @tyme, I have been keeping ok. No real changes of any significance in my mental health, except that I feel very exhausted by all that has occurred.
In my free time, I like to write, mostly poems. I also make my own birthday cards etc etc, and am hoping to sometime sell them at one of the local cafes.
The exhaustion I mentioned is actually pretty hard to deal with, but I feel I'm pretty self aware. Doing my best. I just am so tired.
