" How are you " comment -- Like or not like ?

[Shaz51]

Interested in how everyone feels about the 

"How are you " Comment 

do you like the saying or dislike it 

what would you like to be said ??

[Dreamy]

@Shaz51 oh me and @MJG017 used to avoid this question. It's a tough one to answer so it was more about saying 'hope life is treating you ok' then it was left up to us as to what we wanted to say in response. 

@NightFury and me are similar in that we will say things like 'how's things today' or 'how are you feeling'. Cos we already know that we are struggling but from day to day things might feel lighter or heavier. 

Sometimes I'll avoid posing the 'how are you' question, but instead it's a 'hope you're doing ok'. That way there's no obligation to try to answer it but it's open to them if they want to share 😊

[tyme]

Love the question @Shaz51 .

Honestly speaking, I'm a prolific perpertrator when it comes to "How are you?" "How are things going?" "What've you been up to?"

Why? Because I find it's often a segway into knowing what's been going on for the person. It's an invitation to hear about the challenges and celebrations for people, and it's a conversation stirrer so that either I or others can provide the person support if they needed it, or celebrate with a person for their achievements.

So I can't say whether I like it or not, but I'm open to hearing if there's anyone who definitely HATES being asked How are you? so I can be more careful.

[NightFury]

I struggle to answer it sometimes. @tyme @Shaz51 @Dreamy especially if it's the start of a conversation. When I'm struggling...sometimes the fight between being honest and knowing that my answer may not be recovery focused, is real. Also sometimes I just struggle to know how to explain how I am. 

It happened last night - I struggled to open up and answer when @Dreamy asked me how I was, and so I deflected it by asking how Dreamy was. This helps me to start finding my words...and then I can eventually answer the question. 

I hope that makes sense. 

[Dreamy]

@NightFury yes this I completely understand. Being honest is hard cos then it may not be recovery focused. This is why at times it takes me a long time to respond cos I need to pause and word things to make sure it aligns with the guidelines. 

It makes perfect sense sweet and I've done the same thing when I've been asked it. 

@Shaz51the other way me and @NightFury start our conversations is with a simple check in so just saying 'checking in with you today/this morning'.

[Appleblossom]

@Shaz51 I am really glad you asked the question.

I never had it asked genuinely in my first 25 yeas of life, so that is a shame upon my extended family. By the time someone actually did ask, it was mental health professionals.  I was carrying a dreadfully huge load of trauma, and often my mouth would open but no words would come out, cos there was simply just too big a backlog.  So I did become wary and weary of it, as a mechanical opening, if there was no further comprehension or follow up.

I didnt get into false "good thanks" as a response, and went more with the "not too bad".

Lately I have figured out a few answers to offer, so that I can keep being social, true to myself, and not be bogged down by old feelings, of never having my needs respected. So I can cope with the question.  A lot depends on the situation, and the genuiness of the individual asking.

In the last couple years I have had a few people, at an acquaintance level, actually ask me with a spirit of care. It has been surprising and pleasant, but I am careful not overburden them with a big response. Mostly I keep it cautiously optimistic, with undertones of carrying a bit of a load.

I appreciate the discussion @Dreamy @NightFury @tyme 

[Dreamy]

@Appleblossom the last part where you said 'I am careful not overburden them with a big response'. This I really resonate with as I fear that being honest about how I feel will be too much for someone to hear and then in turn will push them away. 

[Flutterbug9]

@Shaz51 @tyme 

if I’m struggling and someone asks “how are you?” if I respond it will be with ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’ll be ok’.  
find myself not feeling ok about providing details on what’s happening, how I’m feeling etci tend.
When someone asks “how was your day” or “how are things going” I feel these are more open questions, inviting me to talk about exactly what’s going on, how I’m feeling etc

I tend to say to others “how are things going” or hoping the day has been kind to you

cant say I dislike the words “how are you” @tyme.

it is, however, a question to which I find myself wanting to provide short answer to

[Bow]

There needs to be genuineness behind the question for me @Shaz51  like if your just saying it cause it’s what is expected and it’s rolls off your lips when saying hi, then don’t bother. 

and I guess in a place like online forums it’s hard to read whether a person is genuine or not. But the follow up helps. If you be vulnerable and respond with honesty and people are dismissive, ignore your vulnerability or move on, then I guess ya learn. 

I’ve been burnt many times online and irl. Sometimes it’s just easier to say I’m ok or I’m fine. 

sometimes I’m just not capable of responding at all. And sometimes I desperately need someone to ask me how I am. I actually have a communication card that says I need you to ask me how I am. 

[SleeplessRaven]

@Shaz51 

I usually treat it as small talk that could lead into a conversation, or could just be something to say just to be polite - depends on who is asking me. It doesn’t bother me either way. 

how about you?