I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Don’t worry @Jynx. I’m not worth it. I’ll leave you alone. Don’t want to add pressure to you. One less person will make it easier. You deserve a break and a break from me. 

I’ll just sit with the dogs. 

[Jynx]

But what if I don't want a break from you @Captain24 huh? 😋

What are your dogs up to?

[Captain24]

I’m just crying @Jynx. My world feels like it’s falling apart. I’m in all sorts of hurt. You don’t need this. I’m just too much. To much stress for you 

One is asleep on the dirty clothes in my room and the other is in his comfy space on the lounge. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 every time my world has felt like it's fallen apart, the sun has still risen the next day. So too will you be okay. 

Oi, stop tryna manage my stress ok?

Gentle reminder hun, within this working relationship, it is not your job to look after me. You do not have to contain your needs just because you think you're being too much stress for me. Your brain has made an incorrect assumption and you're compensating by not using the forums as YOU need, despite the fact that this space is here for you, not me. And besides, there are systems in place to support us in supporting our members. 

Oh wow that took ages, Time once again is the master of us all!! 
Catch up with you tomorrow hun 💜

[Captain24]

Maybe @Jynx 

[Captain24]

So after last nights deliberate near miss I called in sick today. I didn’t trust myself to get to work safely or at all. I don’t want to go to work anyway.

I just told them I was sick. Plus I woke up late. All my fault. I’m just such a loser. I give up on life

@Jynx 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 it sounds like taking the day off is the best thing you could be doing for yourself right now. Good on you for recognising you weren't up to going in today 💜

[Captain24]

I’ve just spent the last couple of hours asleep. @Ru-bee. 

I feel guilt for not going in and I know that then will give me shitty stuff to do for the next 3 nights. They play games like that. That’ll just increase my safety risk. 

I also feel like I should be using this day to get things done but I think I’m just worn out. Too many thoughts. The thought of how it could have ended last night. The shame. But the regret. The pain. The darkness swallowing me up.  There is so much swirling around in there. Maybe things should have been different. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this pain now. 

[Ru-bee]

I get feeling that guilt, though I absolutely don't think there's anything to feel guilty for @Captain24 you've taken care of you today which is the most important thing you could do. That always needs to come ahead of work, and it's so hard to hear that your work seems to punish you for taking time off when you need it.

It's absolutely understandable that you needed to take today easy, that just highlights even more how much you needed to take today off from work. I know it can be so hard but try to be gentle with yourself where you can, this is all very overwhelming and being tough on yourself doesn't make it any less so

[Captain24]

I just went grocery shopping @Ru-bee. Less I have to do tomorrow before nightshift. Plus I can cook meals ready to go. 

It’s all to overwhelming. I’m not coping. My anxiety is high. I hat myself and I hate what I’m thinking of. Just went to the chemist and got my meds. Double boxes again. Why do psychiatrists think that’s ok? I’m seeing them for a reason.