I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It was hard to read @Jynx but in saying that today has been really hard. Listening to my psych has me scared. Her making an appointment on her day off is hard to hear too. So please just bear with me. 

You're right that at the moment I feel that I am too much of a burden. You hit the nail on the head. 

I have a hard time believing that I should be on here in such a ‘hot mess’. Hearing you so that this is the place to be is relieving but also it’s hard to change the thinking of ‘I’m too much’ It’s hard to change the narrative that I’m taking time from others. There is plenty of others worse off than me. 

I get that this is the place to be as there is nowhere else that I can say what I say on here. (Except my psych but she isn’t as readily available as the forums.) No where else can I say how hard it is. How hard it gets. I have nowhere else to turn. 

It does make more sense. I’m torn between you saying it’s ok to be my hot mess on here and my head saying I should be doing it alone. Doing it on the quiet. 

I would look after anyone that needs help. On Wednesday when I was at the morning meeting. This old guy that keeps coming to me needed to talk. So I listened. If only he had of read my demeanour and my face maybe he could have asked me how I was. But no it was just me being there for him. 

I would like to be looked after please. I really need someone. I can’t do it alone as much as I expect myself to do. It’s hard for me to admit that. Admit that I can’t do it alone. To admit that I need help. I need help keeping me safe and telling me things will be ok. Even though I don’t believe it. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 thank you for taking the time to read and for your honest response hun 😊

---

@Captain24 wrote:

It does make more sense. I’m torn between you saying it’s ok to be my hot mess on here and my head saying I should be doing it alone. Doing it on the quiet. 

---

Aye, this internal conflict is a familiar one - it is the conflict between your socialisation and developmental conditioning, and your adult or wise mind that is trying to reject conditioning that is no longer useful. It's a BIG MOOD ahahaha

If being 'a hot mess' as a kid was punished, you were conditioned to hold the belief that you must cope alone. To go against that would feel very threatening!! Cos your body is expecting punishment just like when you were a kid! Which is also why it is understandable that we often end up in miscommunications - your brain is expecting punishment so it looks for it! 

---

@Captain24 wrote:

I would like to be looked after please. I really need someone. I can’t do it alone as much as I expect myself to do. It’s hard for me to admit that. Admit that I can’t do it alone. To admit that I need help. I need help keeping me safe and telling me things will be ok. Even though I don’t believe it. 

---

Of course hun - we all deserve this!! To have someone there in our corner to remind us of the things we might forget!! 

I will do my best to reassure you when you need it, and try to help you build up your own skills of self-reassurance along the way too, so that one day you don't need it anymore!

You have been incredibly brave tonight, to push past the parts of you that would have been screaming at you not to admit these things. 

And you can't do it alone, nope! None of us can!! That's what it's all about eh? Looking out for one another 😊

I should say night night!! I realise we didn't get to chat about some of the other stuff I know I said we could (the fears around not being allowwed to leave the MH ward, namely) so let me know if it's still on your mind and we can chat about it next time 😉 Night! 💜

[Captain24]

It’s been a really hard confronting day @Jynx 

Ive been thrown a lot of curve balls and I have had to admit that I’m not ok and that I do need help. On here and with my psych. 

Im mentally drained and I feel the depression waving through my body. I’m trying ‘dropping the anchor’ but it’s hard. 

Yeah. I do want to talk about the ‘not letting me out’ just when you have time. I don’t want to take up space of others need you. 

Have a good night. I’ll be around tomorrow all day and night. So just if you have time. Thursday is another full on day. 

[Captain24]

So my parents have just dropped their dog in for me to look after today. That’s fine as they look after mine while I work. 

But… dad goes straight to my fridge and opened it. I asked what he was doing and he was looking through it. He wanted 2 bottles of water. There was none in there so I grabbed to bottles out of the pantry and then he complained that it’s not cold. I don’t drink cold water. Just think himself lucky that I had water. 

I also had some icy poles that I bought yesterday, when I was with them, on the kitchen bench. He said that he didn’t think that I would like them. How would he know, he has never had them and I have. 

They always make me feel like a child. They always know better. Sometimes I think they forget that I’m in my late 40’s and I’m a grown adult now! I’m still just a child to them that they can control. 

I have to go shopping for a whipper snipper with them in the morning. Mum is going to want to know why I now have an appointment at 12 when I didn’t yesterday. I can’t tell them that I’m suicidal and they are lucky that they still have a daughter that they can manipulate. I don’t know what excuse I can make up that I needed a new appointment. They will comment on the money. They will sigh. They will tell me I’m inconsiderate as the shopping is for me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the whipper snipper we are going halves. That’s what they decided I needed for my birthday. After the snake in my yard it is what I need. I was going to buy one anyway. 

Yep… I’m not doing very well today. I didn’t wake up ok. They just pushed me over the edge. 9 more weeks of withdrawals. It’s going to be a long tough slog. I’m not 💯 sure that I’ll make it through. My psych is also concerned that I won’t. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 

That sounds really, really frustrating to deal with. Parents always seem to have a way to get under our skin, and I'm hearing that your parents have an element of manipulation in there too. Definitely not a fun start to the day.

Have you had a sec to do some self-care or some grounding? Maybe looking up the anchoring video your psych suggested?

[Captain24]

Spending time with my parents really causes me issues @Ru-bee. I have put a lot of boundaries in place over the last couple of years but they do cross them. They are a huge part of my life but since they look after my dogs I can’t cut them out plus I know how much mum hurts that my brother isn’t really in touch. He is still the favourite child though. I’m left to deal with being the lesser child even though I’m more successful. 

I’ve had a shower and I was just lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof. Does that count as self-care? 

I’ve watch 2 different videos on anchoring. They are similar but different. I’m not very good at it though. I have trouble with doing things that I’m not good at. I’m very black and white. If I don’t pick something up easily then I give up and say it’s too hard. So I have to try and find that grey area where I can keep trying. She explained it really well though cause both videos have the same basics and it’s what she said. 

[Ru-bee]

Lying in bed listening to the rain sounds so soothing @Captain24 I reckon that definitely counts as self care. I think self care can be anything nice we intentionally do for ourselves.

I wasn't super good with my own this morning because I had to take the dog to the vet to get his vaccinations, so I'm going to use my lunch break to take him for a walk and I'll try to find a nice spot to sit in the sun for a bit.

Proud of you for trying even though it doesn't feel like it's coming naturally to you. Trying to find that grey area sounds like a really good strategy for you, though it's okay if takes some time to work it out.

[Captain24]

I hope he went well with his vacs @Ru-bee. One of mine growls at the vet the other squeals like a banshee! The sweet one growls the arsehole squeals 

A walk on your break sounds good. I love sitting in the sun. There isn't any here today though! 

I need to try. My thoughts are going pear shaped. 

[Ru-bee]

He is a very good boy at the vet @Captain24 He shuts down when he's frightened or uncomfortable, which is sad but it does make vet trips easier because he just sits there with his big sad eyes and lets them do all the poking and prodding they need. My cats are the same in that my sweet one is the only one who ever growls and hisses (at other animals, not people thankfully), while my asshole cat only ever squeaks 😂

It's been very clear here but that's meant freeeezing mornings. I hope you get some sunny days coming up soon. 

What would trying look like at the moment? Is that doing some more self-care, or some more grounding, or would something else feel more helpful right now?

[Captain24]

It’s sad but it makes vet trips easier. @Ru-bee. Both mine are reactive to people. The little one actually bites but not the vet. The sweet one bites the vet! On her file at the top in bright red is ‘handle with care’! The only vet that wasn’t scared of her left. She knew how far she could push her. When I took her when she snapped her cruciate, the vet said ‘I’m not touching that leg’ she went in for X-rays under full sedation. 

I need a sunny day tomorrow to dry my work clothes but it’s meant to be raining again. We need it but I need to get my work clothes ready for Friday. 

When mum comes and picks up her dog I’ll go and have a bath. Not sure when that’ll be though. 

Im trying to watch tv but I’m struggling to stay involved in it. Plus I think it’s getting stupid. Unless it’s just me.