I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Thanks for sitting through it with me @tyme 

Maybe I need to have a look at my words on my mirror. 

That was really nice of you to say. I do question my personality a lot though. 

Around the right people I can be really fun. I reckon if we had brunch it’d go for hours! A walk along the beach we’d walk until we just couldn’t walk another step on the sand. 

[tyme]

No seriously.. I reckon your personality rocks @Captain24 . Yes, life stinks sometimes, but we need each other to remember who we really are. 

And I know you spoke to Jynx about coming out. I think that is very brave of you. It sounds like a journey of self-discovery, and I reckon that takes time. From my experiences, I feel it's a journey everyone needs to go on, but there's no specific age for it. I feel I was a 'late developer' so when others had 'found' themeselves, I was still fumbling around. I wonder if this is similar to what you are going through too?

As I said, just keep being YOU 🙂

[Captain24]

We do. When I was in hospital last time they kept making me find words about myself like ‘compassionate’ but I mostly got words off them. They were really nice though and I can see it in me sometimes @tyme Im not sure I’ve ever shown you? 

I’ll tag @Jynx in this just so they can follow along. 

When I was a teenager I was never boy crazy or girl crazy. My friends thought I was a lesbian as I just wasn’t interested. This has happened all my life. I did have one guy in my 20’s that never really worked out as he was always with someone. We hooked up a lot and we just had a connection but it never went any further than a bit on the side. I did have a boyfriend for a couple of months but I just went about the motions as that’s what everyone was expecting. But in the end I gave up especially when he said he would never love me. I didn’t love him but that comment hurt. He is my one and only boyfriend. 

I’ve had hookups at the pub a few times but never really enjoyed myself. I felt like something was wrong with me. 

I really don’t get ‘the feels’ from anyone I meet. I do get the feels from listening to an amazing female singer though. Something about a female voice. 

It was Jynx that suggested the asexual thing. I looked into it and it definitely fits. I’m just not interested in anyone. But I’m not shit down to the idea. Maybe someone will come into my life one day and they will be my person. I also believe you fall in love with the person not the gender so I’m open minded to either but I do feel as though female may fit more closely. 

I have been with both genders in the past but there seems to be a closeness with females. 

At 48 It’s like I have now found who I am sexuality wise. While the only people that know in depth is you two (oh and anyone else reading! 😜) it’s not something that I am comfortable with putting into the world. The fear of judgement but I also don’t see it as anyone else’s business. 

Well that was a @Jynx @ramble! But it felt good

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I may have shared this quote w you before but it bears sharing again methinks!! 

Just after Rosa comes out as bisexual this is what Holt says. 

TY for sharing hun!! 

Ooh can I join you and @tyme in being a hot mess? 😋

[Captain24]

Nah you haven’t shared that before @Jynx. Thanks. 

It felt a little liberating actually. 

Please do join my hot mess. I am all over the place. But crying and chatting has kept me safe. I’m tired after all the crying. Oh and the fact that I haven’t been asleep since 4:30 yesterday afternoon. 

Hows the adulting? 

[Captain24]

This is the pic of the words on my mirror @tyme They're the ones I was talking about in my ramble message.

Oh and it’s ok not to respond to that post as I know it doesn’t align with your beliefs.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oh yeah crying is like, a sport lol. Really takes it out of you!! 

Proud of you hun, and that liberated feeling is oh so sweet innit? Love that journey for you!! 

Oh noooo no sleepies is ROUGH!! Hope you get more tonight!! 

Oi guess what? THE DECLUTTERING HAS BEGUN!! And!!!

I need to thank you! 

Because it was your suggestion of having a 'maybe' pile that I could come back to later that helped me really feel like I could approach it, and make a start! I did one 'wall' worth... maybe liiiike a 5th? Slow goings, but a start is a start!! Yippee!! 

Well I hope we both get oodles of sleepies tonight, and hopefully I will also be catching you floating around over the weekend? 

[Captain24]

Thanks @Jynx. It did feel good. 

I got home a 8 this morning and then went to bed but since Ive stopped abusing the meds I didn’t take any so I couldn’t sleep. 

OH YYYAAAYYY… I’m SO happy for you! No thanks needed.. I’m glad it helped you start. Staring slowly is good as it gives you more time to work things out.  Now that you have started and don’t have to worry about work, you might surprise yourself.

Ive taken my meds so I hope they kick in soon. 

I’ll be around.

Thanks for helping me off that ledge tonight. 

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing the photo @Captain24 . It's refreshing to have those words and truly take it in that you ARE each and every single one of those. 

So proud of you for just being you.

Don't change for anyone but yourself.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you helped yourself off the ledge hun, I was just here to catch you just in case! Sometimes it's having the safety net that means we don't need one. 

But tbh I didn't even realise you were that close to the ledge tonight. Which goes to show that you have everything in you that you need to cope! Sometimes it's just about also believing that you do too 😊

Catch ya! Rest well 💜